| just bring it. |
[10 Aug 2008|11:00pm] |
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mood |
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 natural |
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music |
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"Bring It On." |
] |
everytime i think something's going fine, something else happens and it makes me so unsure of my life and where i'm going.
yesterday was fun - mom's bachelorette party and bridal shower was interesting.
it was indeed the weirdest thing EVAR.
anyway.
my cousin julie said something that has just confused the hell out of me.
"nikki, you deserve better than wes. sure, you may think you love him, but you shouldn't settle for mediocre. [michelle chimed in here 'yeah, don't settle for mediocre!'] he doesn't have a job, he doesn't go to school. what is he going to do with the rest of his life? [i shrugged] see? you deserve so much better. you need a good man, someone who will help support you. you don't want to support wes all you're life, do you? [i said no] you need someone who will treat you right and will be good for you. that's who you want to fall in love with. and you'll find him someday. you just need to wait for him."
oh my god, i love her. we may not get along all the time, but she's right.
and i feel horrible about it.
advice? please.
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| I won't stop until I am under your skin. |
[30 Jul 2008|09:55pm] |
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mood |
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 teh nika. |
] |
| [ |
music |
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"Five Minutes To Midnight" by Boys Like Girls |
] |
talking of moving is exhausting.
but the relative plan is this.
i'm moving in with him in september.
i'll get a new phone number and whatnots.
and a new job.
and i'm going to lay off college for a year or two.
to save up monies to move somewhere.
where ever we want.
we're looking in to tennessee.
its so pretty down there.
<3
nika.
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| i'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night. |
[19 Jun 2008|08:11am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 overwhelmed and hurt and stuff |
] |
| [ |
music |
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"I Need A Hero" by Frou Frou. |
] |
okay, so.
i just did my first overnight shift at mcdonald's.
way different than i could've imagined.
totally not the point, though.
the song that i used for the entry is by Frou Frou.
i turn to Frou Frou when I'm depressed to try to make myself feel better.
and no, this is not some desperate cry for help.
i just need some place to rant out all the feelings i have for people and my life.
i need some place to plan out how i'm going to get out of this hell hole.
i need to not be judged for this.
because i've some awful things to say.
first and foremost.
i do not hate my life. i hate most of the terrible things in it. and i don't really hate anything, besides clowns. i purely detest them. i feel like my life is this massive spiral, and the majority of this spiral is going downhill. with all that said.
i had a really nice talk with grandma this morning. i cried for about an hour because i don't feel happy. i thought that spending more time with mom would make me happy and such. but no. after what happened [details behind the cut later], i feel like she's repelling me more. i'm not made of money, and that's what she expects of me. i suppose that if i hadn't been so careless before now, i'd be a lot better off, but that's a mistake i don't regret. having fun with my friends is not something i regret. anywho, i suppose that after all that's gone on, i just need to get out of here. i feel like i'm in some warped world where this is not my family, not my life that i'm living.
i know i should feel fortunate that i have all that i have and more because i know that somewhere out there, someone else is not complaining about life and has less than i do. that's cool. i appreciate what i have. i sincerely do. but. the point is that i'm not happy. and i'm going to escape this torture soon enough.
note, i totally had the intention of ranting.
then i got distracted.
i'm going to change.
for good.
- nika.
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